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Email I've Received About My Age Detector

These are the original highlights from the emails I received concerning my age detector. I've organized them into some rudimentary categories in an attempt to give off the illusion that I am organized. There are plenty more emails where these came from, so if you like what you see, read the rest of the archives and sign up to be automatically notified when new email is added. Believe it or not, all of the following email is real.

Categories:

• People with a sense of humor
• People who convert their sexual frustration into anger towards me
• Clueless people
• Clueless people that I have responded to

---

People with a sense of humor

Some people have a good sense of humor, like this guy...

  YOUR JAVA AGE DETECTOR IS FUNNY!!! LOT OF LAUGHS!!!
  THANKS, I THOUGHT I WAS IN FOR SOME GOOD PICS...

or this guy...

  "Lovely Applet. The continue button really makes u horny"

or this guy...

  I just wanted to say that your continue thing is really cool.
  I just came in hear and im totally stoned and that thing tripped
  me out.
  anyway bye

or this guy...

  Your age detector is f[snip]n' *HILARIOUS*!!!
  I own a video store, and have a computer on the main counter.
  Sometimes when I'm bored, I open up Netscape to a page
  I wrote with this on it, and then go in the back and watch
  14 year olds covertly try to press the button when no one
  is looking.  I almost piss myself seeing how frustrated they
  get.

Here's somebody else that's taking full advantage of my age detector:

  You are a really burned individual with a twisted sense of
  humor.  I like you already.  Just thought I would let you
  know that I have bookmarked your site as a favorite under
  the heading "dirtee peectures."  Your site has provided
  countless hours of frustration for my two teenaged sons
  and their licentious chums (as well as entertainment for
  myself).  Keep up the good (albeit strange) work and watch
  out for PAMP (Perverts Against Mad Programmers).

I'm pretty sure this message was a fake sent as revenge against me for my little trick. It had me going for a little, but then I noticed the age and the fact that it was sent anonymously made me suspicious from the start:

  Hello again.I just wrote you that I'm 17 years old
  and then I pushed the button submit,but I wasn't finished
  yet. That was a little bit stupip [sic] of me,
  but I'm not so good with the computer. Anyway, my name is
  Claudia and I live in Holland.  I was too young to see your
  nude photo's, your security is so good.  I am a student,
  but I also do nude modeling voor [sic] painters to make some
  extra money. So I thought maybe you want to show some
  pictures of me that my best friend took, for a small sum
  of money.  I'm blond, slim, 1.72m, cup C.  If you are
  interested write me your adress [sic] and I will send you the
  pictures.If you like them and you want to put it on your
  website,we can make a good price hopefully. 

This message was cute. You may need to read my clueless email first to get the full impact:

  You need to work on your security Java! I'm 16 and the
  search database let me right in! I have to commend you
  on a great set of pictures though! Are you gonna change
  them though? They're getting old now.

This message was along the same lines as the last one but a little less subtle:

  I'M 465 YEARS OLD AND I WANT TO SEE SEX!!!  Just
  kidding,  I really thought your age detector was quite
  funny.  Keep up the goo [sic] work

This guy pretty much took the words right out of my mouth:

  I have read some of your comments about your age 
  detector and all I can say about those idiots that cut
  you down is "GET A CLUE"! First of all you're a student
  at MIT! That should say enough! Second, there are too
  many XXX sites anyways and I find it more amusing to
  piss off those perverts that spend all their time
  searching for naked pics. I mean I like naked women too
  but I would kill for some *NEW* cool java! Thanks
  again!

     [Note:  While I was a student when this message
             was sent, I have since graduated.]

This is one of the most insightful messages I have received:

  Based on the e-mail you've gotten, I'd say your applet
  also doubles as an IQ detector.

  Thanks! I really needed a good chuckle and 
  your applet delivered.

People who convert their sexual frustration into anger towards me

Then there are those who have no sense of humor. This is actually one of the nicer emails I've gotten - I'd post some of the other ones but Overlord Klinton has seen fit to ban free speech on the net with the CDA.

  You must have a lot of free time yourself to have set up
  such an elaborate ruse (with so many exotic choices of female
  flesh). If this wallpaper is you, you look like you're already
  well on your way to the pavement hotel, guzzling Mad Dog and
  grubbing for half-smoked butts. Best wishes in this career,
  a[snip]hole.

Whoa, can you say over-reacting:

  i want to see you naked and then stab you sir

Hmmmm, I'm not quite sure what this message says (I don't speak whatever language it's written in) but I get the feeling that this person was implying that I am gay. Since I do get a lot of other angry mail stating that I must be gay I will set the record straight right now - I am not gay. You don't have to be gay to make fun of straight people.

  kankerpoot
  wat zit je nou met je kanker plaat jes  HOMO!!!!

Clueless people

There are some really stupid people in the world and I unfortunately get quite a bit of email from them. Here's just a random sampling of the lunacy that arrives in my mailbox every day. It frightens me that people like this exist:

  I want to see these famous women's naked pics
  how? please send me info
  I can send $$$..

     [Note:  Please do feel free to send me money.]




  i tried to enter your sight...It wouldnt let me click
  the continue button. Is that supposed to be humourous?
  Anyway, I never had a chance to enter any personal info.
  You lost a potential good customer.

  Sorry bout your loss!!!




  I'm 20.  Your applet wouldn't let me in!  This computer
  is old. how do I change the damn preferences?




  porno sucksssss
  you should not exploit women




  i want to cyberporn with full excitement.




  i got a question about the age detector... when you
  said the names were whiped out of the database due to
  the good times virus  i thought to myself, "man this
  guy is full of sh[snip]" the main reason is
  THE GOOD TIMES VIRII WAS FAKE




  I know this isn't a trouble shooting form, but whenever
  I try to push continue on warez, the button won't stay
  still.  E-mail me if you get a chance.

     [Note:  It appears that some people have gotten
             creative with my age detector, using it to
             set up "warez" sites among other things.]




  I have a few questions about your age detector.  How or
  what information database does your age detector use to
  get it's information?  Does it use the name in the
  operating system of the computer or what?  When did the
  goverment make a file database, that was put on the
  internet for public use to verify age?  Wouldn't that
  be top secret info.?  Please explain to me in detail
  how this applet works.




  Your Java age detector isn't very effective, seeing as
  you can tell from me e-mail address that I am a student
  at Georgia Tech, and college students are generally over
  the age of 18, yet your program still won't let me gain
  admittance.  Actually I am 19.




  i'm 33 years old




  My wife and I are in our thirties, but could not enter
  your web page.  Last time I checked, I was of age.
  Whats the story?




  i4m 19 years old,
  i will see dolly parton,pamela andersson,demi moore,
  catherine heigl, princes stephanie and steffi graf
  totally naked..

  i will see too madonna,sabrina,sabrina and cher....
  please view me!! i4m not know trying continue!!
  i4m 19 years!!!!!
  PLEASE!!!!!!!




  hey im 42 i would like to have gotten to see some
  of the picstures i hope you can get a better way of
  verification for those of us that may not be in your
  data base




  Your Java age detector sucks!!!
  I am currently in my fourth year of college.
  I was born 07/29/75, so that makes me 21 almost 22.

  Try reprogramming it correctly.  
  For your own further information my major in college is 
  computer proggramming.  I already have an associates and
  have about a year to my bachelors and I could have
  programmed it better than that.




  Good day to you sir,

  I was just surfin though and came across your nicely
  prepaired pages and thought I'd look in on your
  "Naked Women" ...but couldn't get through your warning
  page.  Other than your 'continue' box hopping around I
  got nowhere...Could I be missing some valuable piece of
  information in my preferences that caused a failier to
  verify my age? (I'm 30)

  Just curious.

  Thanks!




  I want to tell you that your age detector function
  very good because i'm less then 18 years old and i can't
  push the continue button because it moves around the
  screen.... so it works !!!!!
  How a program can detect my age without see me? you are
  a good guy, next year i'll be 18 yrs old so I'll can
  push it I hope.

  Bye for now

            who joke ?




  In your naked women sight the continue bar to varify 
  you are 18 moves around the screen.




  you suck. you probably don't even have any pictures

Clueless people that I have responded to

Lately I've been doing some experiments to see if conversing with clueless people will create even more entertaining material than their original messages. You can judge for yourself from the following exchanges whether or not it's working.

I received the following email from one person

  please. please and please
  I realy need  hulya avsar's nude picture
  this is very important for me...
  I understand that you are very good at creatin
  nude pictures.. please do me that favour..
  I will be your head disciple in Turkey...
  God Bless You...

and then this email from another person a few days later

  hi!I just want it to know if you really do have
  naked pics of turkish stars like Hulya Avsar, if
  you do please send me E-mail and possible send
  the picture in return i will link your site to
  my homepage!!! which made the top 10 last
  month................

and then a few days later I got yet another request

  please, please if you have naked pictures of Hulya
  Avsar, Hande Ataizi or any other Turkish stars ---
  SEND THEM TO MEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

Well, the first person had attached a picture of Ms. Avsar in a swimsuit (shown below) so hoping to gain some Turkish disciples I obliged their requests, made the photo shown on the right below, and sent them all copies. I have yet to hear back from any of them. My response was:

  Well that's somewhat of a strange request, but
  what the hey...  I must say she is rather attractive
  nude.  Hope this is what you're looking for.

Before	After

That wasn't the first request for naked pictures that I had responded to either. I had received this message a couple months before:

  I'm impotence...I've been suffering for two years. I
  need some help......Please !!! send me more naked
  pictures... I really appreciate your kindness and
  understanding...Please contact me through email from
  time to time.....This might be a chance for me.........

  BYE

Now normally I just ignore this sort of request (or I put it on my list of clueless emails if it's funny enough), but I just couldn't resist with this one. I can't post the picture that I sent back to this guy here because I want to keep this website free of any photos that aren't G rated, but I do think that this poor guy got a big surprise, and he will be "impotence" for quite some time. The moral of the story is that asking me for naked pictures is a bad idea.