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Email I've Received About My Age Detector

August 7, 2000 Edition

It hasn't been very long since the last edition of my email archives, but I've been going through my past email and catching up on making all the age detector translations and I wanted to throw in some new email so that people who have signed up to be automatically notified when my age detector page changes have something new to look at besides the new Klingon age detector. Yes, somebody actually sent me a Klingon translation for the age detector. So for all you underaged Klingons out there, no porn for you today!

Unfortunately, the following email is all real.

---

  I WANT SOME SEX PICTURS.FULLY NUDE PICTURES. PLEACE SEND IN MY E-MAIL


  



  your age detector is [snip]ING GAY!!!
  I LIVE IN CANADA AND AM 23 YEARS OLD AND CAN'T GET TO ANYTHING
  THANKS TO YOU, [snip]HOLE!!!!!

       This is a first.  My age detector is now the
       world's first out-ed computer program.  It does, indeed,
       prefer running with other programs of the same gender.

       And FYI, I don't think you not being able to get
       anything has anything to do with me or my age detector.



  



  Your page sucks, I can already tell you are an ignorant prick
  that cant get a woman ("computernerd") well maybe
  you will get laid someday

  Yeah

  Matt

       OK, so who was the one searching for "naked women" now?
       You're apparently the one who can't get a women - heh heh,
       you can't even get a picture of a woman!

       Note to everybody else:  you may have found this page
       by searching for "naked women" yourself - please don't
       misconstrue my above response to imply that you can't get
       a woman.  I'm just letting Matt have it for being a moron.

       Note to the kiddies:  don't let Matt scare you - being a
       "computernerd" by no means inhibits your ability to get a
       woman.  A lot of women actually find success and intelligence
       attractive.  This is why Matt has no woman.

       Another note to the kiddies:  what were you doing
       searching for "naked women"?

       Note to self:  stop writing so many notes.


  



  THANK YOU!!! I am 51,and of course,don't get carded anymore..
  this was a treat!! LOL..made my day!

       Ah, it's always good to hear from someone with a clue
       and a sense of humor!


  



  can you give me your trick?

       Sorry, you'll have to go through my pimp.


  



  hi- ben here - i am very disgusted with your so called age
  detector - i have been trying to hit that stupid button -
  & never could - i am looking at a BBW-TEXAS page- she sweares
  she has nude pictures- i happen to be in my 40's - & hate the
  way i have been treated - the woman must be a liar or
  somewhat to that effect - mad customer -
  ben [name removed]
  [home address removed]

       Customer, eh?  Tell you what, try calling customer
       service.  The Great Age Detector Company is merging with
       Verizon, formerly BellAtlantic, formerly Nynex, so you
       can expect unparalleled customer service real soon now!
       Just call your local operator and ask to be connected to
       the "Age Detection Customer Service Department".


  



  So, you're the funniest man on the internet.  And you went
  to MIT??? I didn't know they had senses of humor there...
  Actually, I know some MIT kids.  Anyway--You know that TimCam
  thing? I was thinking that would make a very funny
  screensaver...I would want it anyway. I hate all those boring
  ones and....well, that one wouldn't be boring. Write back? Maybe? 
  Meghan 

       Yes, a lot of MIT kids are funny, and sometimes
       even in a good way.  Some of the hacks at MIT have
       been quite amusing.


  



  Can I just say that your age detector is a very
  good idea, it will seriously help crack down
  on under-age abusers. But the problem is that if
  those children are using their parents
  computers, what then? The parents, that I know
  anyway, don't bother with viewing restricters
  thinking that their children are too trustworthy,
  or that they have no idea what to do.

  But what I am mainly asking is, isn't this unfair
  if someone, like me, who lives in the UK,
  is over 18 (24 in fact) and can't view anything
  with a restriction of your sort? I find it
  ver unfair, I doubt I will ever be entered in this
  age thing, so why do I have to suffer? I'm
  not some sicko, but I think I should be able to view
  what I want at my age (except pictures
  of margaret thatcher naked - that is TOO much).
  I am upset, and I would protest that I should
  be able to view what I want - especially those
  naked brittney spears pictures of yours ( a
  growng man has to have some pleasure!).

  I was wondering if you could make some sort of
  allowance here, I'm not sure how else I could
  prove my age to you, but I'll try, BUT I'm not
  paying $800 dollars for my name to go down on
  some list!

  Thanks

  Pete

       Um, yeah.  UK support will be added in the next
       version of the age detector.


  



  You are a class A homo. You have too much free time.

       Actually, both of your statements are false.  I am
       a class A+ (blood type) hetro, and I will never have
       too much free time.


  



  Hey britney Spears I think you look good and I
  would like to know if you really do have
  breast implants.  I really like you and wanna
  know how old you are so please email me back.
  Also I would like to know if you would call
  me my number is (540)[xxx]-[xxx] please call I
  really like you call on Friday around 3:00 I
  would really like to speak to you or get your
  email so I can tell all my friends that I
  recieved Email from one of the best looking girls
  i've ever seen.  It would really be better if
  you called please don't forget about me cause
  Friday is my birthday.  My real name is Brandon
  [last name snipped] call and ask for me.  I live in
  Virginia where do you live.  Please email me back
  and call me also cause i'll be waiting for
  it and I will be really mad if you don't call by
  this Friday since it's my birthday please
  pretty please call as soon as possible
  !
  LO!
  !
  VE                           Brandon [last name snipped]
  p.s. do you love me if you
  don't when you get to know me you will maybe

       Well, I'm not Britney Spears, but people confuse
       me with her all the time, especially since I'm a six
       foot tall, short haired, computer programming guy.
       Your letter won my heart, though.  I think you'll
       have no problem getting Britney to fall for you
       when you find her real email address.